The Life of a Caregiver

Time often feels as if it stops.  An urgent conversation that you had a few months back about a crisis issue that you scrambled to solve for your loved one rears it's ugly head again and nothing has been done on the part of your loved one.  The issue didn't just disappear, in fact, it is now worse.

The choice is to get mad or just accept it.  Until this year I'd get stressed out and jump again.  Now I just state that this issue would be gone if the plan set forth was followed.  That it's ok, but the consequences are there and need to be dealt with by my loved one.  Gently remind my loved one that the situation would be less dire if dealt with when the original crisis arose or was finally discussed.   

Crisis:  Often the 23rd hour of a long standing issue at which point there is nearly no hope of a successful outcome.

It's a cycle for them and for us.​

​It took me years to come to terms with this cycle.  I always felt the stress and wanted to solve the issue, to never revisit it again.  Funny to type but so true.  Their love is so pure and true yet so is their need.  That turns into a need for us to make it the crisis stop...with a hope, however slim, that it will all get easier and better for them.

Hope.  It is theirs and it is ours.​  It's just defined differently for everyone.  

​Our loved ones didn't choose this illness but they do have some choices and we need to let them make them.

​That is a hard fact to accept.

Why Do Caregivers Stigmatize Each Other?

We're afraid to talk about our issues because we may out our loved one and expose them to further stigma.

If our loved ones are invisible what does that make us...?

We disappear from our social circles when a crisis happens.  Coming back to make excuses for the unreturned business and personal calls, piles of unpaid bills, laundry and family needs.  All we really want is to recharge and recover yet we need to act as if nothing just happened to protect our loved one.

Day-in-and-day-out we live with the fear of the next crisis and its timing.  Will there or won't there be help available for our loved one?  How many times can I excuse my disappearance?  How much more can I take?  Will I be able to complete this job before the next crisis hits?  What about me?  What about my family?  What about my future?

I've had people say they'd never do what I do for my loved one.  Yet, I found they're the same ones to say 'where was the family?' when tragedy strikes.  It helped to realize this.

There is stigma among caregivers:  You're going to a therapist?  You're thinking about going on meds?   Do we really need to do this to each other?  

Last night I saw an acquaintance caregiver who is a single mom and at her wits end.  She's living the trap.  She makes it look easy.  Puts herself aside.  Her peer caregivers are afraid that if she gets support they will need the same and what does that mean?  The message received is that if you get help you are 'ill' like your loved one?  Isn't that stigma?  We should be supporting each other to take care of ourselves.  How is intolerance to each other different from the intolerance inflicting on our loved ones?

Caregivers live 25-30 years less than non-caregivers. You need to reach out get support, exercise, eat well, sleep and create some distance when needed.  Surround yourself with good people who give-and-take. 

You may be your loved ones voice but rest assured I'm yours.